“How’s Chloe?” Janice McDermott asked her daughter, Amika McDermott (’16), over the phone Monday morning, evidently unaware that the aforementioned Chloe is simply a close acquaintance of Amika’s who Mrs. McDermott happened to have passingly met at Parents’ Weekend. “I just want to check in on you and your friends—you […]

Realizing the whole of its temperature-maintaining design ethos was being ignored so that it could serve as a “glorified Poland Spring disposable”, the coffee thermos owned by Yusef Dominguez insisted on Monday that it was way too overqualified for its current work assignment. “Do you see what I’m being used […]

Beaming sinfully in over the sultry airwaves of 90.7 FM, Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas’s smash 1999 Latin-fusion seducto-jam “Smooth” enveloped the Menlo Park CVS Sunday in a cloud of amorous yearning. “One second I was comparing the Lever 2000 original bar soap with the Abra Therapeutics Body scrub, and […]

Q: Hi ‘Landfill’! I’ve been crushing on a girl on my floor for weeks, and we shared a sweet smooch at Full Moon. How do I know if there’s chemistry between us, or if our lip lock was just lunar lust? Yours, Confused in Crothers A: Oh hey there, hotshot. […]

Dating dynamo Dan Williams announced Sunday that he will skip his last year at Stanford to join the The League, an elite dating app for “high-achieving, diverse, and influential” singles. Three years of lunches, dinners, and “just hang[ing] out at CoHo or something” behind him, he voiced a readiness to […]

As if attendees of Kamiya Stewart’s housewarming party in Suites weren’t already having a raucous time playing Cards Against Humanity, guest Chester Perez reported midway through the night that he had recently drawn the “Helen Keller” noun card, and that the laugh-factor was about to freakin’ surge. “Dude,” he explained, […]

Noting their loss of the White House, their crumbling state-level infrastructure, and their failure to take back several Senate seats previously deemed easy pickups, political analysts of all partisan stripes noted in recent weeks that the Democrats are essentially just as “irreparably, totally doomed” as the Republicans were in 2008, […]

Riding into battle on a surgical cart adorned with the emblems of his realm, Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy delivered marching orders Sunday afternoon to his legions of lieutenants, commanders, and dentistry residents. “Brothers,” he cried, “we will don our scrubs and defy the enemy’s assertion that drinking in moderation […]