Articles by: Ben Kaufman

Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend

February 27, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend
Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend

“How’s Chloe?” Janice McDermott asked her daughter, Amika McDermott (’16), over the phone Monday morning, evidently unaware that the aforementioned Chloe is simply a close acquaintance of Amika’s who Mrs. McDermott happened to have passingly met at Parents’ Weekend. “I just want to check in on you and your friends—you […]

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Man’s Slang Lexicon Deemed Lame-Skididdly

February 13, 2017 5:33 pmComments Off on Man’s Slang Lexicon Deemed Lame-Skididdly
Man’s Slang Lexicon Deemed Lame-Skididdly
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Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit

February 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit
Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit

Realizing the whole of its temperature-maintaining design ethos was being ignored so that it could serve as a “glorified Poland Spring disposable”, the coffee thermos owned by Yusef Dominguez insisted on Monday that it was way too overqualified for its current work assignment. “Do you see what I’m being used […]

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Santana’s “Smooth” Blankets Area CVS In Cloud Of Sinful Lust

12:00 pmComments Off on Santana’s “Smooth” Blankets Area CVS In Cloud Of Sinful Lust
Santana’s “Smooth” Blankets Area CVS In Cloud Of Sinful Lust

Beaming sinfully in over the sultry airwaves of 90.7 FM, Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas’s smash 1999 Latin-fusion seducto-jam “Smooth” enveloped the Menlo Park CVS Sunday in a cloud of amorous yearning. “One second I was comparing the Lever 2000 original bar soap with the Abra Therapeutics Body scrub, and […]

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Power-Mad Weatherman Refuses to Hand It Back to Tom at the News Desk

12:00 pmComments Off on Power-Mad Weatherman Refuses to Hand It Back to Tom at the News Desk
Power-Mad Weatherman Refuses to Hand It Back to Tom at the News Desk
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Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

January 29, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can
Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

Q: Hi ‘Landfill’! I’ve been crushing on a girl on my floor for weeks, and we shared a sweet smooch at Full Moon. How do I know if there’s chemistry between us, or if our lip lock was just lunar lust? Yours, Confused in Crothers A: Oh hey there, hotshot. […]

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Dating Prodigy to Forgo Senior Year, Join The League a Year Early

January 24, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Dating Prodigy to Forgo Senior Year, Join The League a Year Early
Dating Prodigy to Forgo Senior Year, Join The League a Year Early

Dating dynamo Dan Williams announced Sunday that he will skip his last year at Stanford to join the The League, an elite dating app for “high-achieving, diverse, and influential” singles. Three years of lunches, dinners, and “just hang[ing] out at CoHo or something” behind him, he voiced a readiness to […]

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Guy Holding “Helen Keller” in Cards Against Humanity About to Really Get This Party Going

January 22, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Guy Holding “Helen Keller” in Cards Against Humanity About to Really Get This Party Going
Guy Holding “Helen Keller” in Cards Against Humanity About to Really Get This Party Going

As if attendees of Kamiya Stewart’s housewarming party in Suites weren’t already having a raucous time playing Cards Against Humanity, guest Chester Perez reported midway through the night that he had recently drawn the “Helen Keller” noun card, and that the laugh-factor was about to freakin’ surge. “Dude,” he explained, […]

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Democrats Deemed Just as Doomed and Hopeless as 2015 GOP

January 10, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Democrats Deemed Just as Doomed and Hopeless as 2015 GOP
Democrats Deemed Just as Doomed and Hopeless as 2015 GOP

Noting their loss of the White House, their crumbling state-level infrastructure, and their failure to take back several Senate seats previously deemed easy pickups, political analysts of all partisan stripes noted in recent weeks that the Democrats are essentially just as “irreparably, totally doomed” as the Republicans were in 2008, […]

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Surgeon General Issues Battle Orders to Surgeon Lieutenants

12:00 pmComments Off on Surgeon General Issues Battle Orders to Surgeon Lieutenants
Troopers with the 1st Cavalry Division charge Cooper Field at Fort Hood, Texas, June 11, while helicopters from the 1st Air Cavalry Brigade soar overhead during a rehearsal of the Spirit of the Cavalry. (U.S. Army photo by Staff Sgt. Christopher Calvert, 1st Cavalry Division PAO (Released))

Riding into battle on a surgical cart adorned with the emblems of his realm, Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy delivered marching orders Sunday afternoon to his legions of lieutenants, commanders, and dentistry residents. “Brothers,” he cried, “we will don our scrubs and defy the enemy’s assertion that drinking in moderation […]

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