Beaming sinfully in over the sultry airwaves of 90.7 FM, Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas’s smash 1999 Latin-fusion seducto-jam “Smooth” enveloped the Menlo Park CVS Sunday in a cloud of amorous yearning.
“One second I was comparing the Lever 2000 original bar soap with the Abra Therapeutics Body scrub, and the next I was naughtily nibbling the ear of the woman down the aisle as we tangoed under the smoldering moon,” one patron reported. “It was daytime, and I do not know how to tango.”
Witnesses confirm that checkout manager Faheem Najm splayed himself over the photo development desk as the song burst onto the overhead sound system, causing the entire room to erupt with shock and libido. Najm then reportedly locked eyes with a succession of similarly spellbound visitors from a nearby Sunrise Assisted Living home while wastoid storage room stocker Brian Ogilby produced and became immediately able to play a red, sex-magnetic Fender Stratocaster guitar.
“How could we not drip with lust as if we were only seven inches from the midday son after hearing Rob Thomas’s promise to change his life to better suit our mood?” asked house pharmacist Alondra Navez, still picking pills out of her hair after yanking a fellow druggist behind the counter. “It’s just like the ocean under the moon. The song played, and I genuinely don’t remember what happened next.”
Security cameras went black for the duration of “Smooth”, but returned just as Three Doors Down’s “Kryptonite” started playing, snapping shoppers out of their lascivious haze.
“I woke up in the Family Planning aisle on top of a pile of coworkers and lubricant,” reported high school-aged part time cart stacker Brian O’Rourke. “It was so awkward, but least I wasn’t at the Walgreens across the street—I heard them playing Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On.’”
O’Rourke smiled knowingly, adding, “I can’t imagine what’s going on over there.”
