Articles by: Byron Calabasas

Man Who Kidnapped Transients and Locked Them in Sadistic Puzzle-Room Frustrated That They’ve Yet to Come Together as a Team

January 24, 2020 10:15 amComments Off on Man Who Kidnapped Transients and Locked Them in Sadistic Puzzle-Room Frustrated That They’ve Yet to Come Together as a Team
Man Who Kidnapped Transients and Locked Them in Sadistic Puzzle-Room Frustrated That They’ve Yet to Come Together as a Team

Furrowing his brow and putting his head in his hands with an exasperated sigh, area sadist Daryll Corne was forced to admit to himself earlier this evening that the transients he’d kidnapped and forced to participate in a deadly puzzle-room in his basement had yet to come together as a […]

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Mattel Accidentally Releases American Girl Doll from Timeline Where Assassination of Archduke Ferdinand Never Happened

January 15, 2020 1:00 pmComments Off on Mattel Accidentally Releases American Girl Doll from Timeline Where Assassination of Archduke Ferdinand Never Happened
Mattel Accidentally Releases American Girl Doll from Timeline Where Assassination of Archduke Ferdinand Never Happened

Quietly swearing under his breath, Mattel chairman and CEO Ynon Kreiz realized earlier this morning that he’d accidentally authorized the release of a secret American Girl Doll from an alternative timeline where the assassination of Franz Ferdinand never took place. “Dammit — and just at the start of the new […]

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Movie Magic: CGI Carrie Fisher to be Posthumously Inserted into “Epic / Hilarious Nut-Taps [4 hrs]” Youtube Compilation

December 11, 2019 6:14 pmComments Off on Movie Magic: CGI Carrie Fisher to be Posthumously Inserted into “Epic / Hilarious Nut-Taps [4 hrs]” Youtube Compilation
No Merchandising. Editorial Use Only. No Book Cover Usage
Mandatory Credit: Photo by Lucasfilm/Disney/Kobal/REX/Shutterstock (9264120au)
Carrie Fisher
"Star Wars: The Last Jedi" Film - 2017

In recent weeks, there has been some rumbling surrounding J.J. Abrams’ decision to feature a computer-generated form of recently deceased actress Carrie Fisher into the soon-to-be-released Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Receiving comparably less attention, however, is a recent post by Youtube channel Fail_Vid_Kings announcing that the Star Wars […]

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Annotations by Former Textbook Owner Suggest They Were Truly Starting at Base Fucking Zero

November 12, 2019 11:52 pmComments Off on Annotations by Former Textbook Owner Suggest They Were Truly Starting at Base Fucking Zero
Annotations by Former Textbook Owner Suggest They Were Truly Starting at Base Fucking Zero

The results of a new investigation into the strange, sometimes incomprehensible annotations found in a used ‘Intro to Political Theory’ textbook unearthed from deep in the recesses of the Stanford Bookstore suggest that the prior owner was truly starting at base fucking zero. “Look, obviously the point of taking notes […]

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In Final Trick of the Night, Top-Hatted Ben Shapiro Uses Facts and Logic to Make Minimum Wage ~Disappear~

November 6, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on In Final Trick of the Night, Top-Hatted Ben Shapiro Uses Facts and Logic to Make Minimum Wage ~Disappear~
In Final Trick of the Night, Top-Hatted Ben Shapiro Uses Facts and Logic to Make Minimum Wage ~Disappear~

Performing in Stanford’s Memorial Auditorium on Thursday night, amateur magician Ben Shapiro wowed his audience with an array of tricks and illusions, from escaping waterboarding torture while handcuffed to pulling a trans person out of his top-hat and misgendering them. The biggest feat of the night came at the end […]

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New Evidence Suggests, Contrary to Popular Conception, That Shakespeare Had Feathers and Beak

October 29, 2019 2:00 pmComments Off on New Evidence Suggests, Contrary to Popular Conception, That Shakespeare Had Feathers and Beak
New Evidence Suggests, Contrary to Popular Conception, That Shakespeare Had Feathers and Beak

Following the discovery of a previously-unknown set of skeletal remains in Stratford-upon-Avon, the United Kingdom, a team of archeologists has announced that the famed poet and playwright William Shakespeare was likely much more bird-like than the historical figure has traditionally been portrayed as. “For decades, everything from science textbooks to […]

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Hubris Punished: Winnie the Pooh Castrated for Having Larger Scrotum Than Zeus

October 23, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Hubris Punished: Winnie the Pooh Castrated for Having Larger Scrotum Than Zeus
Hubris Punished: Winnie the Pooh Castrated for Having Larger Scrotum Than Zeus

Alas, the wretched Winnie the Pooh has finally reaped that which he’d sewn, for his monstrous testes have now been shorn from groin by the Almighty Zeus himself. Pooh, that horrid, horny bear, dared not only to possess a scrote larger than that of the Lightning God, but what more, […]

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Op Ed: I Need to Ask My Professor a Question After Lecture But There’s Like Five or Six Different Mysterious Figures from His Past Seeking Advice About Alien Threats

12:00 pmComments Off on Op Ed: I Need to Ask My Professor a Question After Lecture But There’s Like Five or Six Different Mysterious Figures from His Past Seeking Advice About Alien Threats
Op Ed: I Need to Ask My Professor a Question After Lecture But There’s Like Five or Six Different Mysterious Figures from His Past Seeking Advice About Alien Threats

Well, I guess this is what I get for taking a class in xenobiology. I normally leave lecture a few minutes early, but today I stuck around afterwards to ask my professor some questions about our new p-set. Except when I got down to the front of the lecture hall, […]

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Andrew Yang Warns That AI Will Soon Automate All Your Time-Wasting Bullshit

October 9, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Andrew Yang Warns That AI Will Soon Automate All Your Time-Wasting Bullshit
Andrew Yang Warns That AI Will Soon Automate All Your Time-Wasting Bullshit

During a recent campaign stop, presidential hopeful Andrew Yang returned to what has become a central message of his campaign by cautioning that a coming wave of automation will see artificial intelligence replace nearly all the ridiculous crap you do at work when you should be working. “AI will soon […]

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Finance Guy Had Summer Internship at Bane (Batman Villain)

October 2, 2019 12:00 pmComments Off on Finance Guy Had Summer Internship at Bane (Batman Villain)
Finance Guy Had Summer Internship at Bane (Batman Villain)

The early reports are in, and it looks like everyone’s worst suspicions have been confirmed: Seth Delgado, that weird finance bro from your dorm who’s always talking about the Dow Jones and who wears Joy Division tees underneath crisp blazers, is telling everyone that he worked at Bane (Batman villain) […]

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