Initial reports indicate that junior Julian Latchey, who just came back from a quarter abroad and moved into a coop, has, to the shock and dismay of his friends, already changed his entire persona and become “really coop-y.” Latchey, who spent his first two years living in FroSoCo and Crothers while attending frat parties on a weekly basis, has suddenly begun walking around barefoot and talking about kale all the time. Latchey’s freshmen dormmates report that they have been seeing less and less of the now-unkempt coop resident, who spends most of his free time smoking weed and talking about the government.
“Even when he does hang out with us, we can’t go anywhere because he doesn’t wear any shoes. His feet look terrible,” explained Julian’s friend and former freshman roommate. “He always wants to hang out with his new friend Starwind Ghandi. Is that a real name? I’m not sure that guy even goes to Stanford.”
“I’m just looking for something that they can’t give me,” said Latchey about his old friends. “I’m a very open person and I need to engage in the spirituality of something real while the forces of this great big universe guide me to the where of the whenafter, even under the threat of soullessness. Know what I mean?”
“We don’t know what he means,” explained one of Latchey’s non-coop friends.
Julian’s parents were reached for comment in their modest suburban home outside of Chicago. “He’s a good kid,” said Julian’s father, proudly. “Always been a good student.”
When asked about his plans for the future, Latchey said he’s looking for a marketing internship for the summer that will help him get a start in the consulting industry after graduation.
