Following the recent student election results and campaign controversies, the Associated Students of Stanford University (ASSU) has, in a sweeping and unanimous motion, moved to cut funding from every organization and department. Along with the announcement, ASSU issued a statement on Instagram.
“The Associated Students of Stanford University would like to apologize for any undue stress this decision has caused to the students on campus who rely on financial aid, are part of any student organizations, or just generally go to classes,” the statement reads.
Passing the motion was no small feat. One undergraduate senator cited “bitches posting Fizz petitions and drowning out our hookup calls” as a contention, while another said, “We had to make sure it was ‘by the books,’” which could not have been easy, given Stanford students’ infamous money management skills. When asked for comment, the newly- elected president and vice president of the ASSU remarked, “You all wanted to complain, so we gave you something to complain about.”
ASSU is currently working to pass a motion to retroactively return all funding it has given to every club, as well as every cent of financial aid. They refused to comment when asked how this is logistically possible. All the money that was previously funneled into literally fucking everything is now being repurposed, purports one whistleblower, to “Stanford’s true goal”: ruining fun.
The statement concluded with a bleak sentiment: “To those of you struggling, know that there are resources to deal with them. Oh, wait, no there aren’t, we cut funding from those too! They never actually helped anyway.”
