Kappa Alpha announced today that this Halloweekend, they will celebrate spooky season by exclusively using pumpkin-spice roofies. KA president, sixth-year Sid Prior ’22 remarked on changes within the group: “We’ve been having a lot of deep conversations with the whole frat about how we can be more respectful to women. Everyone’s always talking about the past, what we want to do is shape the future, improving our actions to be more in line with what women actually want… which is sometimes difficult since only two of us have ever actually conversed with a woman before… actually… well… one of us for sure I think…” Several suggestions, such as implementing a line of gluten free, vegan, and halal options, have surfaced in trying to appeal to a broader scope of women and solidify KA’s commitment to respect and inclusivity.
But when the idea for pumpkin-spice came up, the brothers knew they’d found their answer.
The fraternity decided on the new switch to festive fall-season roofies after collecting results from a recent Fizz poll that asked female Stanford students whether they would prefer to consume either a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte or a roofied drink. With 99.9% of respondents choosing the PSL, KA posted an Instagram story expressing their surprise at these highly significant results and emphasizing their new commitment to acting in accordance with the findings. Kappa Alpha members are anxiously awaiting the weekend to begin use of their new product.
Senior KA member, Oliver Littman, commented on the fortuity of the timing with Halloween around the corner, “We just ran out of the stuff in the back and were all sorta like ‘Yeah! We should totally try something new with our weekly restock order.’” Out of respect for women, KA still wants their opinions on future flavor ideas and will host female-only community discussion seminars at 11pm every Friday night in the KA bedrooms.
The frat has already begun conversation on continuing seasonal flavors for their stock, already placing on preorder peppermint flavoring for Christmas, Peeps flavoring for Easter, and matzah ball flavoring for Passover. “With this incredible new dimension to our parties, nights with us are gonna be unforgettable!” Littman noted, as he uncrossed his fingers and high-fived the guys behind him.
KA is paving the way for frats around the country, proving that there’s no better way to show respect than to trick and treat girls to their favorite flavor of the year.
