As an educated, well-read woman of distinguished title whose pedagogical and didactic prowess are completely unparalleled–earning the moniker of the ‘most dialectically ran through at the watering hole’–I have read every Stanford Daily article to ever exist. Ever. Yes, one could say I am a sommelier of that intoxicatingly bituminous black and creamy, lactational white duality. It gets me revving my engines and re-using my needles.

So it is only fitting that I, in all my intelligent, investigative capacity, have begun to notice a pattern. No Oxford commas? Is this amateur hour? Are you a knave? Shall I chase you across several goat-filled pastures with a shepherd’s crook and scream vaguely ecclesiastical obscenities?

The Stanford Daily claims to be an institution of journalistic integrity. Their reporters refuse to interview people they know personally for fear of bias: so if you work for the Daily and have been doing a lot of interviewing lately, admit it. You just don’t have any friends. It’s ok. Unlike you, I know everyone on campus. The raccoons, they know me.

We here at The Flipside suspect that the Daily harbors a deep fear of the Oxford comma. After all, the Oxford comma is the definition of alpha: 275 pounds, bulking season locked in, girthiest schlong, tickle monster supreme in the gremlin guffaw, and that last little sweet, grammatical kiss after a raunchy hookup then walking them back to their dorm. The Daily can’t even push P, suffers from performance anxiety, and has a general inferiority complex about finishing.

So from me to you, distinguished genre leader to mediocre pauper with grammatical leprosy, The Flipside would like to offer its condolences to the Stanford Daily: it’s okay to admit you’re too puny, insecure, and flatulent to ever blossom into such lexical prodigiousness. It’s okay to accept that the Oxford comma is always outside of your league. It’s okay to comprehend that the highest aspirations of your publication is chalky toilet paper.

Instead of looking up to what you aspire to be, I challenge the Daily to look down on all it has beat: at least you aren’t the Mendicants.

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