TRENTON, NJ–In a controversy that has rocked the nation to its core, a New Jersey man was found last week to be a total douche. Although the allegations have not been confirmed, it would seem that the man in question was responsible for holding up traffic in Fort Lee, New Jersey, in a complete asshole move.
The accusation of one man’s rampant douchebaggery have not only put the lone douche’s character to test, but may tarnish the otherwise sparkling reputation of the Garden State. New Jersey, heretofore known for its lighthouses, wineries, and state parks now must confront this embarrassing image problem. “He is an embarrassment to our entire state,” said one Ocean City local, a shining, tan example of the health and exercise fad sweeping the state, who then greased back his hair and gave a passing woman a quick ogle. “I never thought I’d say it, but I’m ashamed to be from the cultural and literary capital of the world; New Jersey.”
To make matters worse, this dick that now gives all NJ residents a bad name is a politician, marring the most ancient and noble of professions. To think that an American politician might hold himself to anything other than the highest standard of behavior. It is this reporter’s humble hope that such abysmal behavior does not catch on, and this remains not only the first time, but the very last time.