According to the National Chicken Council (how can I join by the way?), 1.42 billion chicken wings are consumed during Super Bowl Sunday–or, if we want to contextualize our massacre for finger lickin’ enjoyment, that’s 710 million chickens. This is why, when on Thursday October 23, 2022, Stanford Dining served 960 million chickens in a single day, the outstanding, burgeoning bellies of our campus cuties succumbed to excelsior growth.

I, myself, chowed down on a chicken myself. I did watch a Stanford Dining Employee remove a pocket watch from her apron and hypnotize several students, where they voraciously consumed over 1,000 chickens on the spot. Then, they went and bombed the bathroom.

“We are very proud of this achievement,” says an anonymous Stanford Dining Employee when interviewed by The Flipside. “We put our blood, sweat, and tears into experimenting with a variety of dishes, including but not limited to teriyaki chicken, buttermilk fried chicken, chicken breasts, chicken booty, pulled chicken, roasted chicken, complimented chicken, plucked chicken, seduced chicken, chicken nuggets, chicken ingots, chicken tacos, chicken linguini, linguistic chicken, chicken spaghetti, chicken ‘pasghetti, chicken thighs, I-miss-her-thighs-around-my-head chicken, chicken head (get your mind out of the gutter), chicken tops, chicken bottoms, oven-fried chicken, baked chicken, drunk chicken, mediterranean chicken, baltic ocean chicken, indie-rock-shoe-gaze-manic-pixie-dream-girl chicken, chicken burgers, chicken stew, versatile chicken, chicken-wattle envy, chicken fried rice, chicken tried thrice, chicken fettuccine alfredo, fettuccine alfredo with chicken, regurgitated chicken, chicken water, chicken juice, chicken sweat, chicken tea, choked chicken, chicken salad, and that dumbass chicken that fumbled the bag and crossed the road.”

Through their deceptive measures, Stanford Dining was able to incorporate chicken into every dish, much to the chagrin of vegans and vegetarians all around campus. “After a while, we eventually found that if we prepare and cook the chicken in different ways, people can’t notice that they’re even eating chicken,” said the Stanford Dining Employee, “See that watermelon over there. That’s chicken. That cup he’s drinking water out of? Chicken. You and me, I wonder,” the Employee said, “Well, sometimes I just wonder.”

Although the vegan and vegetarian communities are up in arms, the broken Super Bowl Record has only encouraged Stanford Dining to continue their avant-garde forms of nourishment. And we, for one, at the Flipside encourage such tomfoolery.

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