In a recent scientific breakthrough that could change the way we view the human race, a group of researchers has managed to synthesize and isolate the gene for douchiness.

“Those born with this chromosomal abnormality often have a neck muscle deformity that precludes them from folding down the collars of their shirt,” said Michael Thompson, the lead researcher on the douche project.

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“The gene also impacts tongue flexibility, resulting in a speech impediment which prevents individuals from pronouncing proper pronouns in their entirety.

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In the weeks following the breakthrough, scientists have opened testing centers so at risk individuals can determine if their children will be afflicted with the condition. Dennis Sheffield, a member of Sigma Chi, was relieved to discover he possessed the gene. “It all makes sense now,” remarked Sheffied. “I finally know why I refer to myself as ‘D-Spot’ and why I have a strange penchant for Ed Hardy t-shirts.

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I also know what I have to do to ensure my children will be douches like me.”

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