In a recent scientific breakthrough that could change the way we view the human race, a group of researchers has managed to synthesize and isolate the gene for douchiness.

“Those born with this chromosomal abnormality often have a neck muscle deformity that precludes them from folding down the collars of their shirt,” said Michael Thompson, the lead researcher on the douche project. “The gene also impacts tongue flexibility, resulting in a speech impediment which prevents individuals from pronouncing proper pronouns in their entirety.”

In the weeks following the breakthrough, scientists have opened testing centers so at risk individuals can determine if their children will be afflicted with the condition. Dennis Sheffield, a member of Sigma Chi, was relieved to discover he possessed the gene. “It all makes sense now,” remarked Sheffied. “I finally know why I refer to myself as ‘D-Spot’ and why I have a strange penchant for Ed Hardy t-shirts. I also know what I have to do to ensure my children will be douches like me.”

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