Following controversy over inaction and misleading statements regarding the University’s plans to cut benefits and pay to contract workers, Provost Persis Drell’s latest email to students and faculty did little to calm the growing outrage among the community. After a warm greeting consisting of a three-hundred-word monologue describing where Susie and Riva have been walking, Drell shared a video showing several contract workers in her living room, grinning ear to ear, enthusiastically describing their treatment by the university. The Provost also appeared in the video, casually pointing a large machine gun at their heads.

“Look, you’ve got us. The virtue-signaling purple Zoom backgrounds, the petitions—we realized that we’re not gonna get away with sweeping this under the rug like all the other stuff we’ve done to service workers,” Drell wrote in her email. “So here it is! Video proof! Happy now, fuckers?”

Other administrators confirmed that the safety and wellbeing of all Stanford affiliates was their highest priority during this crisis, and that they were more than willing to stoop to blackmail, extortion, and cyberbullying to ensure it. “That’s why we have these service workers’ families suspended above a pool full of ravenous sharks,” added President Marc Tessier-Lavigne. “The last thing we want is to give the impression that we care more about money than human lives, which is why we’ve invested millions in constructing elaborate death traps set to go off if we hear even one lick of disrespect.”

At press time, job satisfaction among Stanford service workers was at a record high, and Fortune had ranked the university at the top of their “Best Companies to Work For” list.

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