Over the past few weeks, mass hysteria has swept over the parking lots of Stanford’s premier boutique shopping mall. Drivers of all sorts — but especially those in luxury automobiles — find themselves unable to leave as immense hordes of Stanford students pack every nook and cranny of the asphalt, hoping that a wealthy driver strikes them and thus has to pay their tuition.

“Take me, take me, oh vicious metal god!,” junior Terrence Chen could be heard proclaiming loudly before hurling himself in front of an 2017 Bugatti Chiron. As the luxury vehicle struck him head-on and fractured 28 of his bones, Chen began moaning ecstatically in between demands that the driver “cover every damn penny of my room and board, you VC prick!”

As more and more students pilgrimage to the mall parking lot in search of lawsuit-based salvation from their student debt, travel in and out of the mall has ground to a standstill. No automobile can move without flattening two or three students; which is, of course, precisely the idea.

The trouble began when one law student-turned-messiah found a loophole in the mall’s property deed which holds Stanford students inculpable for any and all traffic-related incidents therein. Now, literally every single undergraduate on campus is looking to score it big by breaking their femurs beneath the wheels of a Jaguar.

In recent days, the lot has grown particularly lawless. Several opportunistic entrepreneurs set up shop on the outskirts, with everything from hot-dog and sleeping bag vendors to mobile traffic court lawyers available, and a phalanx of students has formed a wall around the perimeter, trapping all drivers within.

“They’ve left me no choice,” a grimacing Google exec explained from her Tesla as she prepared to mow down several dozen freshman in a mad dash for the exit. “I don’t care how many lawsuits this gets me — I just want to see my family again.”

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