Nuclear Option: Senate “Confirms” That Young Neil Gorsuch Is HOT

April 10, 2017 12:00 pm
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Neil Gorsuch Senior Year 1985
Georgetown Preparatory School, Rockville, MD
President of the Yard
Credit:  Seth Poppel/Yearbook Library

While only a narrow majority of the Senate confirmed Neil Gorsuch for the Supreme Court, everyone in Congress confirmed that young Neil Gorsuch was one Supreme Hunk! Reputable inside sources cite that a number of Republican senators, desperate for a way out of the lengthy Democratic filibuster, decided to band together and thirst trap reluctant senators into voting for Gorsuch.

A number of claims have been made that Senator Mitch McConnell suggested the move in a dark broom closet to a number of young junior senators eager to prove their allegiance. Sources claim McConnell screamed a number of phrases in succession, including “HOLY SHIT, YOUNG JOE BIDEN WAS FUCKING HOT!”, “WE CAN’T LET YOUNG JUSTIN TRUDEAU PHOTOS TAKE OVER THE INTERNET!”, and “DON’T TELL MY WIFE I USE VIAGRA!”, before running out and back into the Senate chamber.

Nevertheless, many were initially not convinced. “Seriously, what the hell? You can’t just throw “young” in front of every politician over the age of 45 and expect us to believe—okay daaaaaaaamn, he’s fiiiiiiiiiine,” trailed off Democratic senator Heidi Heitkamp after someone handed her an iPad filled solely with young Gorsuch photos.

Heitkamp later broke rank to vote for Gorsuch, purportedly cradling the iPad in her arms, stroking it tenderly, and crooning softly during the vote before going into French kissing after his confirmation. Other senators apparently also had similar reactions, as “strange sounds” were reported a little while later coming from a corner office that several senators had disappeared into by a group of frightened legislative aides.