Hey! You ever listen to a song so much that you know it by heart—every lyric, every shift in tone or chord, every rhythm and pause? If the answer is “yes,” then you’ve got absolutely nothing on me, because for the past ten years the only thing I’ve listened to is the Indiana Jones theme song over and over and over again. I have utterly transcended knowledge of the song—it has become a part of me. It has engraved its blueprint onto my soul. It has changed me.

Maybe you doubt my words. You think, “well, you at least stopped listening when you were sleeping, right? Or in the shower, perhaps? Or during standardized testing?” And you’d be wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG! Ever since my trip to Disneyland with Ms. Hamilton’s fourth grade class, and our wondrous time on the Indiana Jones adventure ride, I’ve been listening to the theme song on on repeat, 24/7, through a chip implanted in the base of my skull, powered by the movement of electrons through my nerves, totally waterproof and undetectable to security or metal detectors. I can’t even turn it off, or take it out without risking permanent brain damage.

Maybe “listening” is the wrong word for what I’ve been doing—after all, I wasn’t even using my ears most of the time. I’ve been consuming the song. I am it, and it is me. All this is to say that by doing what I have, I’ve gained the powers of Indiana Jones—bullies won’t be able to push me around anymore like so much driftwood in the wake of their bubbled baths! Instead, I am A) very old, B) afraid of snakes, and C) unable to have healthy relationships with women. A powerful combination!

So, to everyone who made fun of me for the past ten years for replacing every useful thought with dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun, look out! For in every situation that needs the use of my new abilities, for every innocent who requires the proper application of age, or ophidiophobia, or a poorly executed romance, I will be the one who wins—not you! Never you, never again!


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