In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed a somber audience of the very real medical problems associated with having a larger hand than face. In a prepared statement, Toshi debriefed the audience, stating, “our meta-analysis of over six hundred patients revealed that those unfortunate individuals with a hand size larger than their face are one hundred percent likely to require surgery in their lifetime.” For many in the audience, this announcement was startling.

While a high percentage of the surgeries resulted from so-called friends jamming another’s hand into his/her face with force sufficient to shatter the nose bone, the study also revealed a wide array of future surgeries linked to the large hand to face size ratio. “Whether it’s a hip replacement, a coronary bypass, or a glass eye, the results are pretty clear that if your hand is bigger than your face, you’ll be going under the knife pretty darn soon,” Toshi informed the crowd. The peculiar link between hand/face ratio and future medical problems remains a scientific mystery. Scientists are speculating that the larger hand size leads individuals to overestimate their finger-strength, causing many to fall from monkey bars or to give weak handshakes, both of which lead to barstool brawls.

As if this news wasn’t bad enough, Toshi also noted his preliminary research result, concluding, “If your hand it bigger than your face, you may also be at high risk for cancer later in life.”

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