Jeff Bezos Donates $800 Million to Reconstruct Notre Dame on Condition He Can Use as Fuck Shack

April 30, 2019 7:00 pm
Jeff Bezos Donates $800 Million to Reconstruct Notre Dame on Condition He Can Use as Fuck Shack

Public support for the reconstruction of the Notre-Dame de Paris after its devastating fire a few weeks has been immense, though perhaps none of that has been as public or immense as Jeff Bezos’ declaration that he intends to donate $800 million—about 717 million euros—to help rebuild the historic cathedral on the sole condition that he be permitted to use the cathedral as a “fuck shack”.

“Great acoustics. Great atmosphere,” explained Bezos, when asked to elaborate on his declaration. “The first time I visited the Notre Dame, I was blown away. Amazing. I knew, right then, that I had to have it. My fuck shack. But there were people there, praying and taking pictures and shit. But now there’s this fire. Cleared everyone out, I hear. Prime opportunity. Gotta have that fuck shack.”

Bezos’ representatives have confirmed their inability to wrangle a clear definition from Bezos on what exactly a “fuck shack” is, however. “My first instinct is to say that it’s a shack for people to fuck,” said Josephine Wilbury, legal counsel to Bezos. “But that seems a little simplistic. Mr. Bezos is a very smart man, and everything he does has a purpose—even if from the outside he seems like a crazed madman. Will the Notre Dame be a new base of operations to strengthen business in Western Europe? Will he be burning it to the ground again? Will he be having a lot of drone sex? We don’t know—but frankly, it’s not my or anybody else’s position to ask what Mr. Bezos intends to do with a site of priceless antiquity and heritage. All that is, of course, assuming that France accepts the deal.”

At press time, the French government was reportedly mired in a debate on the moral complexities of fuck shack taxonomy and exactly how costly a war with Amazon—the assumed consequence of defying Bezos—would be if the deal were refused.