Recent reports out of Hollywood indicate that actress Anne Hathaway has been rocked by the public’s discovery of her secret shame: that she does not approach mundane daily tasks with the same wide-eyed, feverish, intensity that she has appeared to approach every other aspect of her being. Hathaway had been spotted calmly folding her laundry while listening to a Spotify playlist named “Chillaxin’.” She had attempted to hide her laundry-day tedium for years, although it was considered to be an open secret amongst the Hollywood elite, but her veneer of terrifying ambition eventually caved over the past weeks. 

Upon being reached for comment, Hathaway was penitent, saying, “I would like to dispel these hurtful rumors about my private life. Never once have I completed any activity without first ensuring that everyone concerned is aware that I will end them if they do not measure up to my exacting standards of frantic eye-twitching. To say otherwise is to ignore my long history of being Hollywood’s most well-known analogue to a financial analyst on the verge of a mental collapse.”

In the future, Hathaway intends to do her laundry while giving a 50-minute speech on the necessity of Hollywood intervention into the ongoing Darfur crisis. While this may not be the most appealing option to the local customers of Suds N’ Stuff, they say that they will welcome back Miss Hathaway with open arms. Upon seeing their open arms, Hathaway will dive right in, enveloping them in a bone-crushing hug and shaking their shoulders viciously while whispering, “You can escape this poverty if you just try.”

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