Silver Springs MD — At a semi-annual meeting last week, the union of people who read books about body language announced plans to uncomfortably touch you during conversation, sources reported. Having understood the deep evolutionary desires of humans to be touched, members at the conference expressed confidence that they will win you over by lightly touching your arm or leg infrequently during casual conversation.

“It is our finding that rapport-building techniques executed without an uncomfortably long handshake followed by an auxiliary grab of the upper arm are unsuccessful in making friends and influencing people,” a union spokesperson declared. “It has come to the union’s attention that your legs are crossed, and it is our expressed intention to mirror your posture and body position to smoothly ease your unwillingly-revealed, subconscious discomfort.” These new developments follow union promises earlier this year to warmly say your name before beginning new conversation topics.

At time of press, union members also hinted at plans to uncross their arms, maintain strong eye contact, and to place a clammy hand on your shoulder when saying good bye.

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