It was something of a disappointment when, last Thursday, the world failed to take notice of freshman Anita Woolworth’s brief but earth-shaking existential crisis. Woolworth reports that she was sitting in IHUM lecture, struggling to stay awake, when suddenly she found herself questioning everything she thought she knew. “The professor was talking about Descartes and the mind/body problem and whether we can be sure there’s an external world and I thought…who am I?”

Although Woolworth was later informed by her TA that she has completely misunderstood the point of the lecture, she cited this moment as “a brush with transcendence.” “I just started thinking, you know, what am I doing here? Do I have free will? Should I call that guy I hooked up with last weekend? I didn’t know what I believed in anymore.”

Sources present in the lecture report observing no indication of the existential turmoil Woolworth was experiencing. Said one student sitting a few seats away, “I saw this girl get all wide-eyed and then she started looking around frantically. I just assumed she really had to pee.”

Although Woolworth reports that she has since regained her intellectual bearings, she’ll never be able to look at the world in the same way. Woolworth was last seen wearing a beret and turning in paperwork to declare her major as film studies.

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