In the midst of what is now the longest government shutdown in history, the Flipside has discovered that some members of the Transportation Security Administration have turned to a life a crime in order to get by without their wages. “Our manager has started stealing stuff from people’s backpacks in the X-ray machine,” said one employee. “Sometimes she’ll give it back to you, but only for a price.”

Several sources have corroborated reports of TSA agents running illicit dog fighting rings with emotional support pets in at least three major North Atlantic airports. In fact, there seems to be virtually no crimes that these governmental gofers haven’t been forced into. Another worker, a veteran of forty years, described how, “Sometimes, when I’m fingering some old dude during the pat down or whatever, I’ll go: Hey man, wanna buy some weed?” And he’ll go, “Hell yeah, lemme get some of that Devil’s Lettuce,” and then I can afford dinner.”

Worker morale is reportedly low as well. “I don’t even have the heart to randomly select the turban people anymore,” said one agent at JFK who wished to remain anonymous. “I’m fed up with the big cheeses in Washington,” echoed one of their coworkers, “Quite frankly, I could not give two shits if another plane tried to hit the Pentagon.” A third colleague working at SFO agreed. “I’m not saying I condone it, but if you pay for my lunch, I will literally make the bomb for you—they taught us how during orientation. For rent money, I’ll pilot the plane.”

The relaxing of security standards across the nation has resulted in a string of increasingly absurd incidents, such as one woman reportedly passed through global entry last weekend after using a slimy green grape for the retina scan.  As the shutdown drags on, there’s no telling how far these poor victims of bureaucratic hegemony will be forced to go. “I might even have to start selling people’s teeth,” added one TSA supervisor with mixed regret and anticipation. “You’d be surprised how many people leave their unprotected teeth in their carry-ons. Just ripe for the picking.”

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