Expressing hope that the innovation will have a significant impact on the university’s campaign to ensure student safety, Stanford administration confirmed yesterday that the entire blue light system—the chain of emergency beacons students can activate to receive help from law enforcement—will soon be wired with high-power explosives.

“Student safety is, of course, our paramount concern, and it is our expectation that by linking the blue light system to an extensive underground network of C-4 everyone on campus can feel a little more secure,” commented Tracy Gale, an ambassador for the Stanford University Department of Public Safety. “It’s a sad truth that bad things happen in our world, so if we can prevent misfortune by wiping away any and all perpetrators within a designated radius, then we feel obliged to do so.”

Many Stanford students also held positive opinions of the upcoming change. “Yes, they absolutely need to do this—without the possibility for the complete destruction of mankind’s corrupt institutions and the fallible, fragile lives of the weak and cowardly, I really don’t see how I can feel comfortable walking home at night,” reported sophomore Simon Eng, going on to state that the “Scary Path” was really only scary without the potential for a maelstrom of fire to consume all sinners. “This is really great work by the university.”

At press time, sources confirmed that half of the beacons were rigged to explode, but they do not know which ones.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…