I’m facing a pretty serious problem, and it has to do with my Hydroflask. I rock a mango colored 532 mL bottle, with a wide mouth polyurethane flex cap. Pristine condition. She’s covered with a carefully curated selection of only the finest stickers displaying my interests and morals. At first glance, it seems to be the perfect drinking vessel as well as an excellent means of expressing myself. But given recent news, my sweet reign of water bottle social excellence has come to an abrupt end.

Right in between my #RobleYearning and my “Straws Suck” stickers, sits my previously placed Chris Brown sticker. I stuck that on her back in 2007 when Kiss Kiss had just come out, and the singer was universally endorsed as a paragon of principle. Recently, however, I’ve learned that Brown has been arrested for a pretty sticky situation involving sexual assault!

Isn’t that nuts? I’ve been listening to his music for years, and this guy was really up there as one of my top non-problematic faves! He’s featured pretty heavily in every single one of my playlists alongside other ethically sound rappers like 6ix9ine and R-Kelly*. I know I should probably stop publicly endorsing him, and I can’t have my PWR 2 professor think that I’m bigoted just because my water bottle modestly supports a known criminal!

I know what you’re thinking: “why don’t you just cover it up with your new gold-leaf embossed, vinyl-cut Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez sticker?” Nope. For one, that one is already supposed to go on my laptop since it fits the color scheme. Beyond that, I’ve got a very specific aesthetic of no overlapping stickers, which I refuse to compromise. He is clearly an awful, nearly soulless person, but that’s just a lot to ask of me. If only stickers had some sort of mechanism by which a previously placed sticker could be somehow removed! Until such technology is invented, I’ll simply have to accept my new status as a social outcast.

*Note: Apparently a video surfaced in 2002 in which R Kelly urinated on a minor. Thankfully they don’t sell stickers of R Kelly.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…