Stanford Still Refusing to Divest from Abbadon the Soul Eater

October 8, 2018 7:00 pm
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Stanford Still Refusing to Divest from Abbadon the Soul Eater

In a statement made to the Board of Trustees early Monday morning, President Marc Tessier-Lavigne confirmed that despite ongoing protests from the student body, Stanford has no immediate plans to divest from Abbadon the Soul Eater.

Tessier-Lavigne cited “enormous profits” and “the continued Hell-blessed prosperity of the endowment” as reasons behind the decision. Trustees met the announcement with murmurs of “Oh yessss, the endowment,” chitinous clicking and an occasional mad cackle.

A full document released hours later expanded on the University’s position: “For the past few years, students have debated Stanford’s ritual commitment of earthly souls to the Undying Lord of Darkness. In light of these discussions, we reaffirm that our fiduciary relationship with Abbadon the Soul Eater, Bringer of Pestilence and Tormenter of the Weak, is crucial in order to maintain Stanford’s status as a world-class research institution.”

The administration has historically labeled accusations that Stanford’s relationship with the Emperor of Evil is “insane”, “utterly abominable” or “just plain weird” as childish and out of touch with the nuances of the situation.

“Look, I understand that kids are idealistic — been there, done that,” commented faculty member Henry Jones ’75. “But at some point you need to grow up and face reality. If you think you can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and succeed in the real world without sacrificing a loved one or two under a blood moon to the Soul Flayer, then you’ve got another thing coming.”

Jones elaborated that the University’s decision was “final” before mumbling that “the seal of blood has been made, the Plan will proceed” and quickly retiring to his chambers.

After sacrificing twenty frosh, Flipside reporters had an exclusive chance to interview Abbadon Himself, at which point His Damnedness clarified that despite a checkered reputation, His Seventh Realm of Agony is a strictly non-profit venture.

“No one holds people in circles of eternal torment for cash,” the Soul Eater noted. “Not even I’m that low.”

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