The past years have seen numerous efforts by the administration to foster a safe sexual culture and combat the rampant teenage pregnancy rate afflicting campus – to no avail. Despite campaigns involving distributing brownies containing condoms and including birth control pills in dining halls at weekend brunch, the university students of today just can’t seem to stop trying to produce another generation ready to lay down their lives in the eternal fight against communism.

One pioneer PHE, Chris “Not On My Watch” Kingsley, is out to change this worrisome trend. Equipped with only an elastic band and a pair of dull scissors, the only materials he could afford on his meager PHE salary, Kingsley has transformed his dorm room into a surprisingly impressive makeshift operating room that has admitted most of the male population of Florence Moore Hall this week alone. When we visited the prospective medical student in his office, the soothing lullabies from the Nutcracker ballet were melodically playing in the background.

Asked about the legality of his actions, Kingsley responded by citing physician-patient privilege before continuing that “I’ve also given my residents opioids to treat them for migraines and nobody has cared.” Kingsley continued by asserting that there was nothing in the PHE contract that excluded this sort of behavior. In fact, there was no contract at all. Regardless of these trivial concerns, the success of these radically innovative yet desperately needed tactics will be evaluated over the coming months.

These allegations come as PHEs across campus are protesting their meager salary in the face of the continuing incompetence of their lavishly compensated RCC counterparts. When told that Vaden has reportedly already assembled the necessary force of strikebreakers to crush this futile act of resistance, Kingsley did not sound worried. “Honestly, I’d do this job for free. It’s all about the relationships you build with the residents. And absolutely nothing comes close to good ol’ castration to get that ball rolling.”

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