Stanford Tackles Overcrowding by Pitching Tents on Football Field

November 3, 2018 3:00 pm
Stanford Tackles Overcrowding by Pitching Tents on Football Field

So many trees, so little room! The Stanford Class of 2022 is projected to overwhelm the school’s feeble infrastructure. The university has historically had a problems with overcrowding, which is no surprise, considering its meager $25 billion endowment. Fortunately, it seems that the university with the second largest campus in the world has finally solved its housing crisis; it has been announced that new dorms will be constructed for the upcoming school year.

Stanford President and Daddy Tree Marc Tessier-Lavigne suggested pitching tents on the football field in a board meeting last quarter, and now his vision is becoming reality. The proposal finally got the green light just last week, and the Class of 2022 will now be housed in spacious and sustainable tents in between the field goals.

“This location is ideal because it fosters a sense of school spirit and helps students get in touch with nature in this technology-focused, fast-paced world,” Tessier-Lavigne wrote in his emailed statement to the community. “More importantly,  our low student turnout at football games will be a thing of the past. It’s fair to say we’ve killed two birds with one stone.”

Naturally, this news has left some members of the community dubious as to whether this is a truly a viable solution. President Tessier-Lavigne attempted to circumvent these critiques in his announcement, noting that “These students will even have access to their own dining hall. Nothing beats the western delicacy of stadium food.” He went on to explain that “Six bucks for a bottle of water might seem pricey, but remember that every cup of lukewarm coffee at Arrillaga actually evens out to about eleven dollars.”

To those expressing concerns about the access to basic hygiene, Tessier-Lavigne clarified that sprinklers will go off every morning at 6 A.M.

 Past attempts to tackle the the overcrowding issue haven’t been successful, and only time will tell whether this latest endeavor will succeed.  Previous tactics employed by the school have included intentionally losing groups on Frosh Scavenger Hunt and, more recently, setting Ujamaa on fire. One future resident was pleased with his housing placement, declaring, “Honestly, I’m just glad I’m not in FroSoCo.” The tent village has yet to be named, but early reports suggest that the administration is vacillating between “Little Italy Refugee Camp” and “Christopher Columbus.”