Only Freshman Not Enrolled in CS Class Burned at the Stake

October 15, 2018 7:00 pm
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Only Freshman Not Enrolled in CS Class Burned at the Stake

As class shopping came to a finish this past week and students finalized their schedules for the quarter, 18-year-old Jedidiah Smith of the Hall of Crothers was reported to be not enrolled in a single CS class. In line with Stanford’s sacred code, a trial was conducted by President Marc Tessier-Lavigne to determine the fate of the accused.

A vial of blood was drawn from Smith’s hand and poured into the hard drive of a MacBook Pro; after rebooting the computer, Bishop Mehran Sahami read the resulting binary code and confirmed that Smith was, in fact, a Non-Technical Heretic.

The Flipside attempted to secure an interview with Smith before his execution, but as soon as we got close to him he began screaming about ‘the greatness of the arts’ and how ‘nobody even likes computer science anyways’ before being knocked unconscious by nearby guards for spewing such blasphemy.

A pile of dry wood was prepared and the freshman was then burned into oblivion as the onlooking crowd watched, many whispering quiet prayers of algorithms and C++ syntactic rules.

Smith is only the third freshman in the past decade to be burned at the stake, but the first to openly admit his faith in the humanities. It was first noticed by his roommate when, on move-in day, he began putting books up on the shelf next to his desk and pulling pads of paper and pencils from his backpack. When confronted about such acts he reportedly said “computers can never defeat the feeling of a good lead tip on paper.”

Later that evening, a few students were seen gathering Smith’s ashes. It is well known that the ashes of a Humanophile can be brewed into an alluring elixir that will grab the attention of any tech recruiter.

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