In light of mounting pressure from students, faculty, and alumni, the university has created a committee charged with the task of renaming Hoover Tower after a president who wasn’t such a failure.
Possible candidates mentioned have included the so-called ‘not shitty presidents’: Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, the Roosevelts, Kennedy, and Reagan. The committee has stated that the political party of the president doesn’t even matter, just as long as he’s not Hoover.
“What we’ve got here,” said John Hennesey, chair of the committee, “is a case of arguably the country’s best university aligning itself with its worst president. I know Hoover went here and everything, but that’s something we should actually be downplaying.”
Hoover, well-known for not adapting to the rapid economic downturn of the 1930s and allowing the United States to wallow in depression, lost one of the most lopsided general elections in history to FDR. He financed much of the Hoover Institution with his own money, but authorities say this doesn’t necessarily entitle him to anything.
“Christ,” Hennesey explained. “The guy was just a total assclown. It’d be like having a memorial in Yankee stadium to a backup shortstop instead of Babe Ruth. No, it’s worse than that. A backup shortstop couldn’t single-handedly bring down his team like the way Herbert Hoover brought down our country. Even a mediocre president would be okay—a Rutherford B. Hayes, or a Calvin Coolidge. Just not fucking Herbert Hoover. Every time I look at that damn tower I see a 285-ft monument to sucking.”
Other planned changes include renaming the Hoover Institution, the Hoover Library, and the Hoover vacuum cleaner on the third floor of Burbank.