Chipmunk Police arrived at White Plaza early Tuesday afternoon in response to a call from Stanford Chipmunk Republicans (SCR) President Alvin Puff-Cheeks, who alleged that a hostile squirrel assaulted him at an SCR tabling event the group was holding in support of Squikkity Squeak’s recent confirmed appointment to the Chipmunk Court, the highest court in the federal judiciary of the Chipmunk Commonwealth.
According to Puff-Cheeks, he and other members of the Chipmunk Republicans were peacefully celebrating Squeak’s confirmation when, without warning, a fearsome and ill-intentioned squirrel ran out from a nearby clump of trees and, with squirrel-sized boxing gloves affixed to its paws, began to launch punches at Puff-Cheeks while squealing unintelligible obscenities. Puff-Cheeks tearfully described to authorities how the unidentified assailant, who escaped before Chipmunk Police arrived, would surely appear in his nightmares for months to come.
Witnesses at the scene could not confirm Puff-Cheeks’ claims, asserting that “the squirrel just came by to chat, and Puff-Cheeks just kind of freaked out and ran off screaming.
It didn’t touch him or anything.
Or hit him with boxing gloves.”
Chipmunk-Squirrel relations have been tense — and at times outright hostile — since the current sovereign of the Chipmunk Commonwealth, Chippie Chump, seized control of the throne in 2016. Tuesday’s events were just another in a long and ever-growing series of incidents which threaten to destabilize peace and prosperity among the various Rodent Republics.
At press time, Puff-Cheeks had been planning to press charges against the squirrel who he asserts attacked him, though this has been complicated by a lack of clear evidence to support his accusations in addition to the messy legal wrangling that would emerge from a case involving a prosecutor from the Chipmunk Commonwealth and a defendant from the Squirrel State. Puff-Cheeks was reportedly undeterred, demanding that authorities immediately begin searching campus for the “demonic squirrel insurgent” responsible for the act.
