Hey Allie, it’s little old me in room 323, and I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle. You see, early this morning I was woken up by the sound of a thousand fists pounding on my door, along with various cries of “Shirt, Shoes, Keys, ID!” and “Death to America!” Groggily I arose from my slumber and opened the door, only to find myself face-to-face with members of Stanford’s premiere ISIS cell wearing unicorn onesies and blasting Eminem’s ‘Berzerk’ from a camo-patterned Beats Pill.
Before I could get a word in edgewise, their president (and coincidentally my 106B section leader), yelled, “We are ISIS! Are you Andrew?” Seeing as I’m not Andrew, I shook my roommate Andrew awake and told him, “ISIS is here for you.” He woke up like it was Christmas morning, bolting out of bed, throwing on his favorite “America Is A Burning Shithole” graphic tee, and bounding excitedly into the hallway to join his new community at Stanford. I was almost touched by how excited he was, until I remembered that he’d just joined ISIS and I would probably end up helping him make pipe bombs at 3 AM during week seven. ISIS even put up a door sign for him that actually turned out to be a poorly-disguised AK-47. Then they just whisked him away to “take a blood oath” or some shit.
And that’s where I am now. It’s been fifteen hours since Andrew got rolled out and he still hasn’t come back to the room. He’s been Snapchatting his usual threats to crush the soul of the Christian world with the true power of Allah, but his most recent geofilter said “Yemen: Come for the Sun, Stay for the Fun” so I’m concerned that he may be off campus, possibly on another continent? He even told me that during their retreat, they had a bonfire and roasted s’mores over burning American flags. During NSO you and the staff really stressed open-mindedness and acceptance of others, but call me a goat-fucking infidel if I think it’s a little concerning that Andrew has joined ISIS. Please advise.