9 Ways You Fucked Up An Otherwise Perfect Thanksgiving

December 1, 2015 12:00 pm
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9 Ways You Fucked Up An Otherwise Perfect Thanksgiving

Everything was going great this Thanksgiving, why did you have to fuck it up? What things could you possibly have ruined? Let’s take a look around the kitchen.

1. The Cranberry Sauce: Aw man, you saw the look on Aunt Josephine’s face, and it’s hard to disappoint Aunt Josephine. The sauce, man, it just wasn’t that good.
2. The Runny Stuff We Call Gravy: Did you put too much water? Too little water? Insufficient gristle? I don’t know, but you took the runny stuff we are honored to call gravy and you fucked it hard.
3. The Cranberry Sauce: How could you fail to pick good cranberries? They are beautiful, dried fruit things beyond fallacy.
4. The Conversation: Thanksgiving conversations are always great! You say things, your uncle says things, we ignore the creeping ache in our bones. But you picked a bad conversation this year, and now it’s all gone to shit.
5. “Zombie,” by The Cranberries: This is a gold-toned sound palace! How could you fuck this up so?
6. The Cranberry Sauce: You fucking fuck.
7. Canberra, Australia: Even the capital of Australia???? COME NOW!
8. Uncle Jim: this happens every time why do we take you anywhere
9. Cran, the Berry: Why did you have to piss him off like that? Not cool man, not cool.