Everything was going great this Thanksgiving, why did you have to fuck it up? What things could you possibly have ruined? Let’s take a look around the kitchen.
1. The Cranberry Sauce: Aw man, you saw the look on Aunt Josephine’s face, and it’s hard to disappoint Aunt Josephine. The sauce, man, it just wasn’t that good.
2. The Runny Stuff We Call Gravy: Did you put too much water? Too little water? Insufficient gristle? I don’t know, but you took the runny stuff we are honored to call gravy and you fucked it hard.
3. The Cranberry Sauce: How could you fail to pick good cranberries? They are beautiful, dried fruit things beyond fallacy.
4. The Conversation: Thanksgiving conversations are always great! You say things, your uncle says things, we ignore the creeping ache in our bones. But you picked a bad conversation this year, and now it’s all gone to shit.
5. “Zombie,” by The Cranberries: This is a gold-toned sound palace! How could you fuck this up so?
6. The Cranberry Sauce: You fucking fuck.
7. Canberra, Australia: Even the capital of Australia???? COME NOW!
8. Uncle Jim: this happens every time why do we take you anywhere
9. Cran, the Berry: Why did you have to piss him off like that? Not cool man, not cool.