Speaking to a crowd of assorted supporters in Monroe, LA, Texas Senator Ted Cruz revealed his unusual strategy on Friday for keeping his now-floundering presidential campaign afloat.
“Please, if you are a true supporter of liberty, you must do your absolute best to forget about me,” stated Cruz as he began his stump speech. “The longer I stay in relative anonymity, like some sort of Republican urban legend, the longer the electorate will have to forget my reprehensible track record of promoting anti-immigrant rhetoric and anti-abortion and anti-LGBTQ policies. Do not tell people about my existence. People will ask you, the Cruz nation, whether I am running for president, and you will say ‘Huh???’”
Cruz, who has repeatedly stated that only Christian Syrian refugees should be allowed into the United States and that the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage was unconstitutional, has indicated that he would like nothing more than for people to associate his name with a vague cloud of white haze in their minds.
“Here’s the thing,” he said in an interview with CNN’s Christiane Amanpour, “I am patently unelectable… that is unless you forget who I am, what I’ve done and what I’ve sought to accomplish in my three years in the Senate. But if that happens, oh BABY am I in.”
Cruz was last seen on the campaign trail in Coral Gables, FL, speaking to a crowd of assembled Republicans while hitting them in the head with a blunt object.