STANFORD, CA – Claiming that he just couldn’t handle the secrecy anymore, Serra resident advisor Wes Weake has admitted that his infamous alcohol abuse is only a ruse he came up with to hide his addiction to La Croix. He came forward only after three freshman residents stumbled across him chugging three bottles of bourbon at the same time at approximately 9 AM behind the dumpster. “They were actually filled with La Croix,” confessed a tearful Weake.
Serra’s resident fellows reported that prior to Weake’s startling admission there had been some warning signs that something was amiss. “His shelves are just lined with empty cans of La Croix,” said Renee Hatfield. “He would keep them stacked perfectly, like they were some kind of religious relic or something.”
“He always had a flask in his hand,” said one freshman resident who wished to remain anonymous. “There was even one time I caught him pouring a bottle of Jack Daniel’s into the potted plant in the lounge, but he just said that even ferns deserve to enjoy a drink and then.” Another student, Nate LeRouge, chimed in: “That fucking jerk shut down my party because there were “too many EANABs.” He even confiscated all of the La Croix I’d bought that day.” After a pause, he adds, “bet he drank it all himself, the prick.”
Weake’s friends indicated their alarm upon learning of their friend’s condition. “All those times we thought he was just downing vodka sodas, but it was really La Croix,” said one. “If he hasn’t been drunk this whole time, how can you explain all the weird shit he does?” inquired another. At press time, Weake reported that he had scheduled an appointment with CAPS to deal with his addiction and that they were trying to squeeze him in sometime next year. (Newman)