Now that Week 6 has come and gone, students have begun to enroll in courses for winter quarter. Unfortunately, however, Axess is still not working.

According to Stanford’s IT Department, the site crashed at midnight a few days ago due to increased traffic coinciding with the opening of course registration for the coming quarter. While the department claims to have had Stanford’s top computer science professors working on the issue, Axess remains down.

“The site really just can’t handle that much traffic at once. I know we’ve got 7,000 undergraduates here, but apparently over 125 students were on Axess trying to enroll in classes last Saturday night. It was very unexpected and just overwhelmed our servers,” systems administrator Joseph Collins said.

Working closely with computer science professors Mehran Sahami and Keith Schwarz, the IT department has run through all their typical solutions, including whacking the side of the computer really hard and even turning it off and back on again.

“We’re at a loss here, to be honest. When we ran through all the ways we usually address these sorts of problems, like unplugging some wires and then putting them back in random spots, and none of them worked, it was just shocking. There’s really nowhere we can go from here,” Collins said.

Reports confirm that various giants in the field of computer science, many Stanford alumni, have been seen on campus, supposedly to help rectify this problem. Even Evan Spiegel, co-founder and CEO of Snapchat, came to offer suggestions. But after his attempts to blow into the university’s cartridge slot proved fruitless, the problem still seems hopeless to many around the school.

“I just want to register for Social Dance. Is that too much to ask?” one forlorn senior muttered before sighing in defeat as he reloaded Axess to yet another error message.

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