Stanford, CA—Noting that the succulent sure had a strange look about it, sophomore Nicolas Dermond reported yesterday that his roommate’s cactus, which commands an uncomfortably central position in their one-room double and, if it had eyes, could see just about everything, was looking awfully judgmental right now. “Jesus, did he have to put that thing right there?” Dermond whispered from beneath his covers, glaring accusingly at the spiny plant whose every thorn seemed to point, disappointed, right back at him. “Really, he could have put that stupid cactus anywhere else, but he decided to plop it right on the window sill. Every time I want to relax, it’s right there, watching. I don’t like it.”

Sources confirm that after slightly adjusting his position in bed, Dermond attempted to resume the video he had been viewing on his phone, but to his chagrin he glanced up at the worst possible time and got another direct look at the potted barrel cactus which, if it had a voice, would likely have said, “Woah there sailor, think about the neighbors,” or, “c’mon champ, don’t hurt yourself.” Groaning audibly, reports verify that Dermond turned up the volume on his earbuds and yanked up his blankets in a hopeless attempt to conceal himself from the view of the plump little spikeball, but the cutting gaze of the Echnocactus grusonii specimen precluded even his most earnest attempts to disguise his actions.

At press time, Dermond had pushed the cactus behind a stack of books and had continued, surreptitiously, to beat in rhythm to the hand drumming tutorial he was watching on Youtube.

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