We all have our vices. Maybe yours is smoking, or perhaps gambling. And mine, sure, it’s a little less orthodox. But so what if I enjoy chowing down on a tube of toothpaste during my Thinking Matters section? What’s it to you, buddy? Just because I personally love gulping back a solid 4.6 ounces of creamy gel while I participate in class discussion doesn’t mean you have the right to judge me.

And honestly, if you give me a moment to explain, I think you’ll understand the appeal. The minty freshness, the cooling sensation on your tongue, the squelch of the tube beneath your fingertips. It’s really other-worldly. No other oral hygiene product even comes to close to replicating the joy I get out of the consumption of toothpaste. It doesn’t matter to me — Crest, Colgate, Aquafresh — all delicious. Fluoride to desensitizing, anti-plaque to whitening, I don’t discriminate. These toothpastes all have their own little unique niche.

If you’re looking to get started, I would definitely check out something that’s a little easier on the mouth, maybe the basic enamel shielding Oral-B. Start slow for sure, I would say less than two tubes a day. And oh boy, do not start out with that new cinnamon-flavored stuff. I’ve seen beginners get cocky with it, and it is not a pretty sight.

With that, I bid you adieu, with one final plea: please just let me eat my toothpaste in peace.

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