Student Not Attractive Enough for Tourists to Take Pictures Of

October 31, 2017 12:00 pm
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Student Not Attractive Enough for Tourists to Take Pictures Of

In a devastating turn of events this weekend, sources report that sophomore Jacob Keller has finally come to the conclusion that he is too ugly for even the most eager of tourists to photograph while touring campus.

Following this revelation, the chemical engineering major found it impossible to walk to class without jealously watching the rest of his pose-striking, Adonis-esque classmates mug for candid photos.

“I used to think that my nose was just a little too big, but now I realize that I am actually a horrifying example of the necessity of genetic engineering,” remarked a visibly-dispirited Keller. “Now I know why my parents refused to have any mirrors in the house throughout my adolescence.”

This heart-breaking shift comes only days after Keller’s realization that his longtime crush’s description of him as “homely” was, in fact, not in reference to his potential as a domestic partner.

At press time, masses of squirrels were fleeing Wilbur field at the sight of Keller’s unpleasant countenance and no fewer than three classmates had stopped Keller to remind him that Halloween wasn’t for a few more days.