I guess the first thing I did wrong was the eye thing. I didn’t break eye contact with the dental hygienist until big, bulbous tears were streaming from my eyes, which were also audibly shaking after not blinking for 20 minutes. I could see how that could make someone uncomfortable.  I also very tenderly closed my mouth around the dentist’s fingers and tried to engulf her whole forearm when she was checking for cavities. I thought I was being respectful, but apparently it was strange and became unacceptable when I began gently nibbling on her knuckles.  My bad. That’s on me. I also emitted a constant high-pitch scream every time I opened my mouth, but I actually don’t think it bothered anyone.

Ok, so this one isn’t completely my fault.  My gums are my second most ticklish body part, so when they stuck that toothbrush in there I just went bananas. Yes, I did have to be physically restrained by three hygienists.  Yes, I did sneeze directly into every person’s face.  Yes, I did break the secretary’s collarbone with my foot.  No, I’m not so sure that that merits being forcibly removed and indefinitely banished from the office.

So, I’d like to formally apologize Dr. Alice Bythewood for my behavior at last week’s appointment.  I really hope we can overcome this together as dentist and patient—as friend and friend.  Also, your watch that I swallowed has finally resurfaced.

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