As liberal America reels in shock from the prospect of a Trump presidency, America’s allies abroad have already begun to jump ship. “Fuck it guys, let’s just get this over with,” said Lithuanian president Dalia Grybauskaite, “time to go back to being a Russian colony”.

The prospect of an American president hostile to NATO and who openly admires Russian president Vladimir Putin has caused the various peoples of the Baltic states on Russia’s periphery to collectively decide to “just bite the bullet already” and join the growing Russian imperialist hegemony. “Look, we could hold out or whatever, but then Russia will just invade and we’ll be stuck in a frozen conflict without any way of improving our situation,” said Sygmunt Kiskic, Latvia’s largest salted-fish magnate. ”I think we should just get this over with and join Russia before Russia makes us do it anyway.”

“Oh Jesus fuck no no no” but in Estonian was the general sentiment several kilometers north in Talinn, where everything is bad and getting worse. “At least if we join Russia willingly we’ll be like, second-and-a-half-class-citizens,” said Stefan Tilüümonniven, a vodka salesman. “Wait, is that worse, how do these numbers work again?”

“Look, I’m not saying it was better back when we were owned by the Soviet Union,” said Vaclav Tipliksi. “That is not what I am saying. Things were terrible then. Oh god we are so fucked.”

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