Stanford Review Executes Real Life Unicorn In White Plaza

April 4, 2016 1:25 pm
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Stanford Review Executes Real Life Unicorn In White Plaza

In an attempt to both boost their on-campus reputation and delight the Stanford community, The Stanford Review captured a live unicorn and murdered it in the center of campus on Sunday. The Stanford Review, Stanford’s Independent Newspaper, has been dealing with backlash against their event which they argue was not designed to offend anyone but rather to provoke discourse on campus.

At the stroke of noon, members of The Review wearing blazers and execution masks dragged the beautiful, mythical creature into White Plaza as it whinnied while pawing at the ground. After a brief speech by the Review’s head editor, the beast was put to a quick and painless death by junior editorial writers wielding a massive axe. A small crowd cheered and applauded politely.

“Is it going to offend people? Sure. But should we really live on a campus so paralyzed by fear of offending people that we never do anything fun?,” asked Review writer Braxton Boyd. “Yes, we are going to be the subject of some heated discussion, but I’d rather stir the pot than let it sit. And now I know what unicorn blood tastes like and I’m going to live forever.”

As of press time, members of The Review were seen nailing bits and pieces of the unicorn to houses all along the row as a testament to satire.