Upon the release of the National Enquirer story claiming Ted Cruz had affairs with five different women, the Democratic National Committee chose to investigate the claims’ veracity, stating, “the idea of five women having sex with Ted Cruz is preposterous.” The DNC uncovered that each of these mistresses was, as suspected, a rat. Cruz himself even verified his alleged penchant for bedding rodents last week, confessing, “Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him.” This assertion confused the public, but only assured investigators that the presidential candidate enjoys fucking actual rats, not men with rat-like qualities.
Investigators remained mystified, however, by Cruz’s well-known love for cheese, sewers, and stricter immigration laws. An explanation for the first two predilections emerged during a campaign visit to George Washington Elementary School in Wisconsin. Cruz was reading third-grade children a story about “the little baby-absolutely-born-at-conception-by-the-grace-of-God that could” when the teacher brought in pizza. The excitable, socially and fiscally conservative rats inside his suit could not take it, and in a scene guaranteed to mentally scar the surviving children and any adults in the room for the rest of their lives, the rodents broke free of their human-skin prison, assaulting the cheesy treat and whatever liberal ideals it may have represented. “It was horrifying, like the pizza rat meme but on methamphetamines,” recalled Mrs. Walker, the class’s teacher.
So, the GOP will be represented by Donald Trump, hundreds of rodents in the skin of a disturbing looking man, or a guy from Ohio. Who will you choose?