MADISON, WI – As voters across the city turned out to multiple Madison venues in order to hear Bernie Sanders’ and Hillary Clinton’s final speeches in the state, they were met with a climate of terror and fear. Local reporters stated that they heard a guttural screech coming from the woods just outside Madison and, upon turning to face in that direction, they were confronted with a 30 ft. beast trampling aside voters and bulidings alike.
The beast, which most closely resembles a hydra of Grecian myth, is composed of the 719 Democratic superdelegates, who last week took the decision to form themselves into one hideous, giant voting bloc in order to exert more political presence in the race. Capable of breathing fire, spewing acrid smoke, and participating in secret ballots, the hydra has tormented Wisconsin natives for the past week.
Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper, who is the Hydra’s 359th head, was in a somber mood on Sunday, yelling, “KRAAAAAAAGH! We must abide by the will of the people! GRAAAAAK!,” before smashing a small, family-owned cake shop to bits with a careless wave of his maniacal claws.
Both the Clinton and Sanders camps have largely stopped campaigning out of fear for the candidates’ safety, but reports indicate that Clinton was last seen advancing towards the great beast, brandishing a hunk of raw beef and white flag imprinted with pragmatic policy ideals.