We are here this week to report that as of 6:34 PM on Sunday April 30th, the Internet is still a garbage place, and that it is mostly filled with racism. These are the results from a check that began at around 7:51 PM on Friday evening. The survey performed a languid pass through varying websites and social networks and circled around Twitter for a solid three hours at around 9:00 AM on Saturday to really pick up some of the gunk, before eventually coming back to let us know whether the Internet is still bad or not. Unfortunately, it is still pretty bad.

The management would like to apologize for this continued failure of the Internet to be anything other than an angry place for bad people. We truly wish it were otherwise. The management is currently investigating misting eye-irritants out of your computer’s camera for people who are using the Internet wrong. The management also investigated completely replacing all Internet activity with misting eye-irritants, and found the results to be neutral-to-positive.

The Internet is expected to pipe down soon after an uptick in weird political tweets from people who clearly know nothing about how politics works, which is expected to enter the system sometime by Thursday. There will be an average amount of disembodied hands cooking tasty things in montage.

Have a nice day.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…