While Winter Quarter normally presents many opportunities for freshmen hoping to pad their resumes with internships and volunteer work, many students fall through the cracks and struggle to find the position that will allow them to not to ever have to pretend to care about volunteer work again. For example, prospective CS-CS Double Major Zach Burns is at a loss that Google has yet to contact him. “I even shared a copy of my Breakout code with them on Google Drive. It has these sick sound effects.”

When asked about potential openings at other companies, Burns stated that he had considered it. “I didn’t struggle all of week 8 for nothing, you know? I could probably get an entry-level job at Yahoo or Microsoft, but I really want to do something that matters, that’s worthy of my skillset. Do I really want to pour two years of teaching myself HTML in High School down the drain?”

Disappointed, but undeterred, Burns stated that he would probably skip the intern stage and go straight to work on Artificial Intelligence. “It only took a week to teach Karel to retrieve a newspaper. I should have Siri writing my PWR papers by the end of the quarter.”

At press time, Burns was seen at the LaIR trying to figure out how recursion works.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…