Dear DJ Khaled,

I’m a freshman at Stanford University living in an all freshman dorm. I haven’t been able to sleep well this entire week because of my roommate’s snoring. It’s so loud that it wakes me up every night and then I can’t fall back asleep. Then I nod off in my classes and miss important material. I’m afraid that it’s going to affect my GPA. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Drowsy in Donner

 

Drowsy in Donner, so important.

They don’t want you to sleep. So what are you gonna do? Sleep more. Sleep an hour. And another one. Walk with me now on the pathway to more success. Don’t let they ever pull you down. There are so many locks on the door to success. Padlocks. Bike locks. So I tear the door down and leave they with the hinges. It’s part of my success. Lion. In life there will be road blocks. But we will overcome it.

Just know,

DJ Khaled. Bless up.

 

Dear DJ Khaled,

I’m a senior at Stanford and I just got in a fight with my best friend. I was applying for a job on campus and I told her about it, so she decided to apply for the same job. She got it. I really needed that job to help pay for my tuition but now I’m out of work and out of ideas. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this quarter. Should I confront her about it? Should I stop talking to her altogether?

Sincerely,

No Callback in Columbae

No Callback in Columbae, your word is with me.

Always have good relationships. Always. They might come in handy someday. Lemme ask you a question: can you walk on water? Don’t ever burn a bridge. Water is for plants. Every chance I get I water the plants. Key. Respect people’s hustle. When you help they, they gonna play you. They face is dirty. Wash your face. The key to more success is using the right soap. I use Dove. I only use Dove. Trust me.

Just know,

DJ Khaled. On a jetpack.

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