Since his appointment as head coach five years ago, David Shaw has been known for his low scoring, conservative victories. But it was only after the Stanford offense’s recent impressive play, in which they scored 42, 41 and 55 points, that those closest to Shaw have finally realized that the head coach is simply incapable of counting higher than 40.

“I’ve never had to before,” stated a crestfallen Shaw, “And I guess I just assumed that I’d never have to. When you call plays the way I have done my whole career, why would you ever need to learn? Football is all single digits, 3 yards a carry, 4/9 passing. I shouldn’t have let the situation get out of hand in this way. But, I will say, if there is any blame to be passed around, it should go to Kevin (Hogan) and Christian (McCaffrey) for suddenly playing like Heisman candidates.”

Stanford Daily football correspondent Will Butcher stated, “It was weird. Once we went up 48-17 against Arizona, Shaw just stared in horror at the scoreboard. At first I thought it was shock, but then I heard him muttering, “Dammit, David, you can do this. What comes after 40? Is it 8?” After a while, it became really sad.”

Shaw intends to rectify the problem, however. For the game against UCLA, he has instructed his team to simply kneel down on every play once they score two touchdowns, regardless of the score. “We might only win 14-10,” said Shaw, “but at least that makes sense.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…