So you want to seduce your professor. Not a problem! You may have already looked to the internet for help, but the WikiHow (which exists) will bring you nothing but heartache. Luckily, I’m hear to straighten things out!*

Step 1: First Contact
Send your professor an email about something plausible, like a question on a problem set. But end the email with “I’m eager for your reply, but I won’t be near a computer for the next several hours/days- feel free to text me!” followed by your phone number. Congratulations, you’ve got your foot in the door to a world of sweet, sweet, professorial sex.

Step 2: The Sexy Text
When do you begin phase 2? That’s a little out of your hands, since you have to wait for a text from your professor. But if the voodoo witch on California Ave knows what she’s doing, it’s just a matter of time. Play the waiting game. When they do reply, use your new direct cellphone contact to establish a rapport. The best way to do this is to “accidentally” send them a text meant for someone else, shifting the conversation away from class material. Emoticons are your best friend here! Remember, the three most important things in this game are PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY, PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY, PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY. Did I send you a winky face? That should have been a smiley! Are those x’s and o’s hugs and kisses or does my phone automatically add them?

Step 3: Find a common interest! (Hint: The subject of your class)

Step 4: Meet for coffee!
If all else fails, you can use a paper or problem set as pretext for your meeting. Say something like, “Gee, professor! I’m having a lot of trouble on this problem set. Can we meet for coffee sometime to go over it?” But say it slow and sexy.

Step 5: Seal the Deal
Once he/she’s imbibed the libation of everlasting love** that you put in their coffee (thanks again to Madame LaToothe on California Ave), your professor will be all yours!

*The Flipside is not responsible for any restraining orders, indictments, jail time, trauma from the ‘friends’ you made in jail, awkward handshakes, loss of sight, or adult onset diabetes; this method has not been tested in a scientifically rigorous double-blind experiment, but I know a guy who said it worked.
**Keystone Light

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…