In a report released last Wednesday by behavioral scientists at Stanford, researchers concluded that the overwhelming majority of conversations that take place on the concrete benches encircling Meyer Library are filled with the trite banalities and meaningless clichés that characterize conventional college small-talk.

“It’s just such a disgustingly stereotypical mix of wide-eyed freshmen whimsically discussing things like ‘hopes and dreams’ and sleep-deprived upperclassmen expressing their reluctance about confronting the difficulties of life after graduation,” reported Dr. Harry Keating, who then demonstrated how these students might take an exaggerated sip from their Coupa Café cup to emphasize the supposed complexity of their previous statement.

“The worst situation is when you have an underclassman talking to a TA about something like their passions and potential avenues for future academic exploration,” explained Keating. “It literally looks like a scene right out of an online college advertisement or something.”

Keating is reportedly interested in doing follow-up studies in small urban bookstores and local Starbucks franchises in upper-middle-class neighborhoods.

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