The Stanford Police Department would like to notify all students to be on the lookout for the highly dangerous and unpredictable criminal madman known only as “The PSET Strangler.”  Reports vary as to the outlaw’s physical appearance, with eyewitnesses placing the Strangler anywhere between 4 and 8 feet tall.

“He was gigantic!” recounted recent Strangler victim, Sally Whitehead, sweaty and shaken from the experience.  “And he…cornered me…or something…and now my PSET is totally gone!”  Sally went on to explain how the Strangler kidnapped her problem set, and then strangled it to death, for whatever reason.  She trailed off as she continued to make it clear that she had put several hours of “hardcore, quality effort” into each problem.

This seems to be the dangerous rapscallion’s modus operandi, to prey on lazy-looking yet apparently diligent students, robbing them of their precious hard work mere moments before anyone else has the chance to verify its existence.  It is even reported that the Strangler keeps a canine sidekick to help in his campaign of terror.

Despite the Police Department’s firm affirmation that The PSET Strangler is a menace to society, some students see him as a masked vigilante, a heroic figure born of shadows who has come to free them from the tyranny of the military-educational complex.

“He’s the hero we need,” said sophomore John Schmitt, staring off longingly into the scarlet sunset.  “He truly is an inspiration to us all, a man that we can all admire.  In the end, I think we all have a little Strangler in us.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…