WASHINGTON — Last Thursday a New York federal appeals court ruled that the once clandestine National Security Agency program that is systematically collecting American’s bulk phone records is illegal. With such a core program threatened, the NSA will be forced to fall back on the massive quantities of data that they collect from every other aspect of your life, most notably the microchip they placed in the lower part of your anterior cortex in 2013.

NSA Director General Keith Alexander made the following statement following the news of the court’s decision: “I am deeply disappointed in the ruling.  That program was integral in our protection of the American people!  Now all we have to go on in the fight against terrorism are all of your text messages, emails, heart rate, and innermost thoughts acquired from the microchip we installed in the brain of every American citizen.”

“I mean, what next?” General Alexander continued, “Is it going to be ‘illegal’ to read your sisters’ online fashion blog?  Or to pluck your most intimate memories directly from your brain in order to create a catalogue of your deepest fears??  Come on! We’re trying to protect you!”

The provision of the Patriot Act used to justify the bulk data program is set to expire on June 1. It remains to be seen, however, whether Congress will extend the bill or will settle for the direct collection of your innermost secrets and conscious thoughts from your microchip.

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