STANFORD, CALIFORNIA: On the afternoon of Friday May 9, freshman Haley Fredricks of Trancos arrived home at 2PM to find that her computer, television, fan, and desk lamp had mysteriously disappeared. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that Ms. Fredricks, recently a member of the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority, had been robbed blind by her overambitious and possibly criminal big. In place of each object taken lay a large plastic rhinestone, neon-colored fanny pack, or a bejeweled shot glass, a calling card of sorts from the notorious big.

The chapter president of Kappa Kappa Gamma, who has chosen to remain anonymous, has expressed her disappointment in this perversion of Big-Little Week, saying, “I just don’t know how this could have gone wrong! It’s generally such an innocent tradition! All we do is collect information about our littles’ schedules, likes and dislikes, sleeping habits, social security numbers, health records, grades, and sexual histories! It’s supposed to help us buy them gifts! Otherwise I wouldn’t know what items to bejewel!”

On the other hand, Ms. Fredricks, who was initially quite distraught about the whole affair, has changed her tune. She states, “Yeah, the burglary and invasion of privacy wasn’t cool. But now I have all this cool rally gear, and I was watching too much tv anyways. I know she might be a klepto, but I just can’t wait to meet her! I love love love my big!” As of press time, Ms. Fredricks has posted a new photo on Instagram of the space where her refrigerator used to be, which is now occupied by a giant plastic wine glass.

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